不开心.

以为自己到了美国,到了自己梦想中的这片土地, 就会有一种满足和欣慰.但是我过得真的不开心.

SOCIAL, DISCUSSION,学习,RELATIONSHIP....没有一件能让我开心起来.

每天都是千篇一律的BORING.没有内在驱动力,每天却都在强迫自己STUDY&FOCUS.一种从没有过的压抑和寂寞笼罩了我.

今晚大家都去为一个同学庆生,我推托了.实在不想让大家看到心情不好时候的我,也不想影响气氛.

自己在家做晚饭,发现糖罐里有只米蛾子,于是跟它大战半小时,终于战胜;上网查了菜谱,按部就班的做菜,结果酱油倒多了,做出来的菜很咸又黑乎乎的很恶心;做米饭的时候本来打算做成粥,可是后来发现水放得很是尴尬:做粥就少了,做饭就多了.结果做夹生了,也很恶心. 一个人坐在昏暗的灯光下,对着恶心的饭菜,眼泪就不由自主地流下来.开始就着眼泪吃饭,后来干脆大哭出声来.感觉舒服了些.

为什么老是觉得自己这么没用,什么都做不好,跟自己期望的情况背道而驰. 好沮丧...............

   today is a long long day. freaking exhausted! Since I got off the plane, my legs have been dropsy thx to the long walk everyday as well as the long driving, late sleep, and lots of conversations in English. Denver are not like NY, Long Island where there are lots of top class automobiles with cool guys driving inside.it's more like countryside in denver. Cars are like back to 80's. and on the street u can barely see some kid plays hip pop mad loud in his car~ppl here have higher education than those in NY, and they act more politely. But i just cound't understand why they are leading their lives not so enjoyable like the way New Yorkers do.Kinda depressed right now~

    However we did enjoy is we met our lovely kind-hearted schoolmate. she and her bf showed us around a lito bit for applying bank account and buying cellphone service. This cellphone really helped us alot in apt finding. Usually u need to make phone calls with the manager of the apt u wanna rent and mostly the phone won't go through so u need to leave a voice mail to him. We almost walked all the denver area on foot. I was taking charge of making all the calls. When I almost gave up, it turned out to be a call went through and the manager was in the apt, and there was one 2-bedroom available. So we made our mind rite away. It's quiet, laundry room is just next door, the manager's office just faces to us and it's the first floor so the furniture is easier to go inside. The bad side is, it's a lito unformal compare to other apts: it has no electronic ringbells of the front door, it's dark during daytime and it looks like an inn instead of an apt from outside.

     ok stop complaining. 今天晚上另一个师姐带领我们参观了campus, du offers really great education. I m lucky to join it. DU is the top school around the colorado area. And daniels is one of the 8 oldest B schools in the whole america. 学姐很干练,值得学习.还了解到人际很重要!DU believes that 3 parts combine a successful businessman: english profincy, professional knowledge, as well as community communications. Ill try to keep these on mind and take adv of that.THINK BIG, PAY MORE EFFORT U WILL GET PAID! FIGHTING!

    I thought I would be happy, when the plane took off and the land that fed me up was left behind until becoming a tiny lito spot, as my American dream has finally been fulfilled, like wat i dreamt thousand times. Well, I guess I was wrong. Something gloomy fills my heart, and something is gone inside my body. No tears, the feeling only gets worse. It used to be wat a firm insist that drove me coming back all the way from China. I finally realize wat I have been missing was not the land of America, but the exchange days we were together with a whole yr fun.  As wat i was told, Denver is sunny almost all yr long. I can sense where I m going is a beautiful place with full of kind-hearted people, but it's just NOT NY, NOT Long Island and NO u guys.

   Also, my dear, it's u that make me wanna stay even more!没有你的陪伴,我没有了勇气去实现最初的坚持.I really miss u.

8/6/08 on the plane

突然发现已经很久没有触碰这个空间,这个压缩了一年美国生活的空间.不想去碰,也太不敢接起来自大洋彼岸的电话,更没有勇气闯入新生的世界看看他们今年的美好生活.看了小VICTORIA的SPACE,竟无语凝噎.一瞬间,时空交错.

也罢也罢,已经经历过他们的生活,现在我有我这边的生活,对岸的朋友还记挂着我,担心的事情并没有发生,一切就都好了~~

 

希望老天眷顾

让我拣到上上签

 

规规矩矩不能逃课的下周快快过去

背题和被论文淹没的下下周期中考试快快过去

GMAT快快过去

GMAT所在的教学评估的一周快快过去

PS\RL\ESSAY\CV\\\\\\\\\\

跟申请有关的都快快过去

离我远远的再不要回来

 

劳资忙完一定要闷头大睡一天

从头到脚在美容院放松一天

跟我的亲爱的们SHOPPING 两天

健身房狂蹦达一天

访亲走友到处豁棱别人蹭饭吃一天(大家小心呦)

啥也不干躺床上看杂志发呆一天

凑够一周完整结束劳资的ANIMAL生活

 

刚才还郁闷的想撞墙

这会想的我哈喇子都要出来了

 

阿Q疗法果然还是有效果地

大家OVERWHELMING的时候不妨试一试

 

 

我看着天堂的入口 有幸福在招手

我知道这条路难走 不能回头....

Jason小同学赴京赶考

顺便visit民大这一传说中地美女高校

出行还有仨美女做陪

这小子皇帝般滋润啊~~

   吃饭的描述统统省略.先去新中关看SHREK 3,倒是幼稚了点,可是10点PM后的新中关里没有了白天的拥挤喧嚣,夜晚的气氛沉降得刚刚好,俨然充满了GARDEN CITY MALL的味道.末场电影让整个剧场成了我们几人的天下.霸占了全场最中心的位置,舒坦的直想睡,却又不想浪费这样舒适的好时光.真希望那时的时间永远都不要醒来,这样年华就永远不会失效,我们的故事也永远就不会褪色.

   再就是第二天的小豆+泡咖啡吧.坐在靠窗口的桌子,有微微的光隔了窗帘洒进来,听轻音乐,品西米露,随意翻杂志,有一搭没一搭的聊天,我们用一下午的时间来消磨,却不觉半点无聊.Stella说friendship是不就不过如此了,很久不见也不会觉得生疏,相处却不说话也不觉尴尬.I think so.

   第三天下午JASON同学揣着本高中数学书就来自习,不时装模做样的划两笔,还问我关于正余弦的一个公式(可是思路都混乱了).看那家伙不时抬眼偷瞄美女的一副色狼相(而且还是很饥渴的那品种的色狼),忍不住劝他收敛点.他用一大堆借口搪塞,还义正言辞的.真整不了哇.后来SUMMER端她地Mac来照相,发现居然还有哈哈镜功能,遂采用.结果就是我发出了有生以来最发自肺腑的笑容+眼泪,而且笑几乎不能呼吸.因为旁边还有两人自习,我们四个都得收敛着点.可是照到后来实在是坚持不住了,一个个都捂着肚子笑到东倒西歪,几乎以喷的方式来发出笑的动作.旁边两人定力十足,巍然不动.只是看我们的眼神已经不能用责怪和怨恨形容,而是苦苦哀求(STELLA的版本是他们就一群人对着电脑不时摆出各种鬼脸然后笑到桌子底下的这种行为很不理解,于是表情纳闷多与责怪)anyway,直到今天看还是能让我笑到不行.

   晚上JASON的MISSION是在我们四个聚到一起的时候给KENNY同学打电话.由于彼岸太早,KENNY还没起,于是我们在语音信箱留言.JASON说:hi kenny,this is Jason and Summer wanna talk to u.SUMMER PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID:"HI KENNY ,JASON HANDED THE PHONE TO ME AND I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING TO U.HERE IS GINA." 由于之前被KENNY 小PISS了一下,我不想说话.summer 遂加上一句"gina doesn't wanna talk to u"递给STELLA.她正在通话,跟KENNY讲了句"HI JERK"传回JASON手里,JASON 遂说"OK ,BYE"挂断后大家疯狂大笑,边笑边PREDICT KENNY'S REACTION.

    是时间分别了,谁提议拥抱告别.最痛恨离别,却偏偏让我们又遭遇一回.JASON这个家伙老实在GZ呆着多好,非跑这里来扰乱我们趋于平静的心情,然后又一溜烟跑回去,再不见踪影.我们都劝他保民大的研算拉,美女又多.lol.But it's time.TIME TO AY BYE.TIME FOR LIFE GOES ON.

    夜里又做了个梦,还是我们四个一起.小插曲就不提了,总体来说还是能体现对这几天HAPPY TIME的怀念哒.曾经拥有,别无所求.

All of a sudden I realize I m old

    old enough to be scared of the pain brought by the mainline

    old enought to feel bitter when tasting the chinese traditional medicine

    old enought to feel desperate toward death.

    I ve been strongly impressed by a scene in <prison break>, in which Lincon dreamt that he was forced to sit in the chair earlier than deadline w/o any notice, and he was screaming, sweating and trembling like a lito injured beast,desperate.  Covered with eyepatch and locked in the chair, he gave up the last hope that Scoldfield would get him out. I was like choked the moment when the executioner pulled the switch. Lucky it's just his dream. otherwise i would probablely pass out.

    Watching the movie<a life less possible> which in most parts there shows how great and touching love is, I was still shocked--a killer forced a guy to dig his own grave(although it's ironical, the guy had no choice)when the grave's almost done, the killer said"ok,it is time. U can stop" the guy cried "No..............."killer pushed him down the hole and pulled the gun towards him. this is so vivid for me, like i m experiencing exactly the same.

     A fever of 38.5~39 degree centigrade which lasted for 2 straight days made me such sensitive like a lito kid. I was worring about passing out at any minute.

     Long time ago when i was preparing for TOEFL i had a dream that I was dying. Still conscious &breathing but dying. The feeling is like u wanna grab something to resist gravity, but u will never. There ARE something u can't do in this world. Death is one of them. SO i m starting to worry about the health of my parents. They are working hard like no tomorrow just to earn money that pay my tuition. And i sent my bless through text message to my dear friends and remind them keep healthy. Finally I realize "Keep healthy" is no longer a mannerly word but meaningful instead. I don't wanna lose any of them cuz we share so much great memory.

       I m afraid I can't say no more about death, cuz i anticipate that somebody downstairs gonna throw eggs to me.lol. alrite. death is the end. the end for death. 

美美的做了一个海藻泥面膜。做花了15分钟，洗花了20分钟。

       做完干干净净的。

       真的耶，泥巴居然有传说中的神奇功效，黑头也不见了，皮肤嫩嫩的。

       以后要经常做，美美的，心情也好好的~~~

       从老妈那里搞来一个U盘，偶然间发现它还是一个录音笔。这可对口语派上大用场拉！录了7段录音，发现自己录音英语的声音还满好听。

       TOEFL进展不是很顺利，本以为简单的跟玩似的，却越学越不简单，尤其是得高分（目标100分）。做了两套模拟，阅读23分，听力22分，口语不太好，用GRADING SYSTEM那就是个B左右，作文也SO SO 的。不知道100有戏没。

        前一个月分块复习时没打下好基础，说一个月背下单词的，计划总也实施不完。做READING和LISTENING时老图快，就想快点把那两本书做完，加上不了解IBT是怎样的，都先看着题来选答案。后来才知道IBT果然不是盖的，果然BT，没头没脑的上来就读或听，读完听完才能看问题。听力还要记笔记，都反应不过来哪有时间做笔记嘛。完全是瞬间反应。JASON同学说是因为听力不够好，反应不够快。好象是这么回事。可是能怎么办那？时间已经不多了。都说量变引起质变，质变就是所谓“顿悟”的感觉，掌握规律，看破玄机。很想体味一下那是什么滋味。

         什么事情都需要动动脑子啊~~~不知我前20年怎么活的那么轻松。其实，活着并不容易啊~~~ 

 stop disappointin&annoyin me,u damn asses!!!i v made up my mind.can't see ur point why u all try to shake me!!!!!!lulu& caca thx for ur encouragement.u guys r my only fellows at this very moment. can't imagine wat a mess life will be without u guys~~~

misery is not that u can't do it,instead,it's that there is really nothing u can do to make u better.set is set.everything is late.everything seems not right.nobody will understand.nobody can help.the isolation kills me. i don't no how to take the step forward,how to lead a better life. i m going through the toughest time in my life. i no this time only a person with strong will power can survive. i no god played a huge joke on me. i yell i shout i scream i jump i cry i curse for tiny things.my temper gets worse and worse.i m acting like crazy. noway to let it out until the result comes out in 2008.no matter it's content or not, i will shut up by then. at least let me have a chance to try, not like now everything goes against me&everybody disappoints me.i m hesitating.i m wasting my time.i m gambling on my own happiness for the rest of my life.what can i do.where can i go.........so confused............

在我极其容易短路的脑袋里

思想正在经历着前所未有的动荡

at my will，我是想申请留学的

在reality面前，我却被压低了头

美国历来是留学的兵家必争之地

商科本来是美国的热门

MSF又是除MBA外第二抢手专业

自己硬件条件不突出

就是再会挖掘自己的闪光点

也不能麻雀变凤凰

奖学金貌似遥遥无期

而自费一年至少2W的学费和不菲的生活费又让我望而却步

再退一千步

即使花着父母的血汗钱申请成功

这样挤破脑袋一门心思换来的究竟是什么

我的机会成本有多少

我的受益又在哪里？

烧钱换来的生活究竟与之前的命运有多大的改变？

 

 

申请过程中面临的重重困难也使我史料未及

考试时间十分紧张

几乎就是在临时抱佛脚

对申请的各个步骤不熟悉

不知道什么时候该出手干什么

生怕落下任何细小的步骤

似乎变的万分宝贵的时间究竟该怎么利用

是用实习的色彩来填补PS的空白

还是务实地把硬件条件搞好？

中介和DIY到底孰优孰劣

如果最终申请不成功

前期的准备工作投入的各项费用是不是打了水漂

 

 

填写表格时候大段大段的空白让我认清了自己

除了学习我好象什么都没有干

虚度大一大二两年是我干过最最后悔又无法补救的事

本该属于那个阶段的实习、兼职、社团、课外活动、班级活动

一个也都没有实现

一直想着这个耽误时间那个耽误时间

真不知道怕耽误了什么的时间

看着简历里的空白一片

我的头都大了

 

 

每天每天

脑子里不同的问题不时触动我神经

即使在复习GT的时候也无法专注

 

 

有谁能在生命的十字路口

告诉我下一步该怎么走......

be the best!!!! 

夜，如此漫长。

太多记忆，清晰如流水般流淌过脑海，留下那么深刻的印记，叫人挥之不去。是它们充实了这夜，让我清醒as a fukk。所有一切在脑中重新来过，像上演一场默剧。

太多太多，提不起勇气来写。怕一触碰就像将洪水开闸，无止无休。每一个细节都牵动着记忆中每一个相关细胞，变成一张布满细纹的网，让我永远也无法细数清楚。为什么言语那么苍白,而记忆却那么鲜艳？像罂粟带着致命气息却让人无法自拔？记得那一夜，狂醉，模糊了浓妆和双眼，心痛到呼吸困难，只知道大喊“I don’t wanna leave…Why do all good things have an end? If I no the ending will be such painful, I wish I never met u guys. I would rather never enjoy these joys. Now I open my eyes, and see all these beauty. How can I close them and pretend I saw nothing?”

要怎么样才能度过剩下的日子？少得可怜的电影，听得烂熟的歌曲，所剩无几的英语口语和偶尔的电话、msn、短信联系……一年时间，真不知自己还能撑多久；撑了一年，不知道到底要不要另一年、一辈子……

7/1/07

Kevin回国的日子终于来临。分别并没有想象中那么pathetic。也许这就是个属于分别的季节吧。早已习惯了接受。感谢Kevin，给我们回国后的生活增添很多乐趣，还有别人无数崇拜的眼光。他的存在时刻提醒我，我们与美国藕断丝连，提醒我怀念那些great days in America. 真的羡慕SUMMER 和stella，交换的三个人，她们两个一人领了一个回来.一个一年的约定，一个两年的约定，两个女孩就这样执著的守候自己的希望，并为之不懈的努力着。什么都没有的我，只能自己给自己动力，相比之下，这种力量显得那么微不足道，don’t no whether I m capable to take it.同学keep on asking me: where is ur Mr.Right? God damn it. Life needs to go on, but what the hell r they talking about all day around me. Come on, give me some break…

   So damn busy for some nonsense, such as courses about politics&policy and some presidents’ theories about how great a socialistic society is. I don’t even understand what r they talking about…we ain’t majoying in history neither politics…..what’s the point 4 us to learn all these bullshit? To let us feel better and don’t’ give up hope toward communist when mad disappointed phenomenon appears? I really wanna show our dorm condition to them who insist these bullshit. Can such unfair things happen in America? At least it won’t be such obvious when nobody solves. All guys r selfish and mad rude that I really wanna run away from here and let ppl here destroy themselves…I m a lito bit insane now, but I think that’s really becoming a reason for going back ny……can’t wait for one more day………..I met lots of ppl who gonna go to America soon for studying, teaching or exchanging. They came to me asking for help while I can’t stop envying them. I m gonna run away and take my 2 months’ holiday hiding in home, no bothering, no struggling, no anything else except studying. I need to try harder to set myself free and achieve my goal……fighting!

    看了宋甄奇(去美国另一所学校的交换生)的空间.去过的地方绝不少于我们.

    与我们唯一不同的是,她的日记里少了那么多人名......

    时常在想,没有那么多朋友的美国,是不是就太不一样了呢?

        turning into 21 yrs old, i m really an adult now. i can enter any club without any limitation.....at the same time, i need to carry on many new obligations on my shoulder in the adult world. find a big job, earn the big money, find a big guy who i can rely on...all these concerns, all my temporary mission...........

         forget these serious topics for a second, this 21st bithday is my happiest birthday so far. i m lucky and touched to own all u guys as my valuable treasure. it's kenny who set the alarm clock and woke up on time just for calling me at 12:00am.....after that call 蚊子 sent me a text message(although her bed was next to mine) said:"damn, i was about to greet u first while ur american firend rob the first place."...haha....sooooooo happy. this morning when i woke up, the first thing i noticed was the text message my mom sent me:"on the same day 21 yrs ago, i became the fortunest mother because the lord presented me a pretty, pure-hearted lito girl. all the memories which come along with all the 21 'todays' record how my babe grows up. today i can say, dear sweet heart, i m proud of u....i believe the god will make my dream come true, that is, i hope my daughter will lead a happy life, a healty body. best wishes and happi birthday!"dear mom and dad, it's u who gave me life, and i would like to try my best to make u happy and proud.......

          later on today, so many surprises were sent to me and let me realize i m such an important person in my dear firends' hearts. that's enough.

          thx 越鸿, i no u must spend plenty of time choosing all these pretty earrings;

          thx 美瑛&洪瑛, u guys made every effort just wanna surprise me. thank u for the whole morning hiding from me and spending mad money for that gift.......although we r no longer roommates, u guys r still my unique best friends.....

          thx 晓艳, thx for ur cute present, i love it a lot. and thank u especially for ur help when i was aboard & after i came back.......

          thx 大慧&cengyi, ur sleepwear makes me so sexy(haha);thx 蚊子, ur gift is the best wish suit for me right now(haha)thx 俊俊,卷卷, i also love ur lovely gift. u guys r so sweet. i m really lucky to share a room with u, and own u as my family members.

          thx summer, i no in the early morning tomorrow u will fly to hainan, while u still remember my birthday and treated me big dinner. i appreciate. u said, don't worry, it's my pleasure to celebrate ur birthday because we r friends. "we r friends"....we r not only like friends that simple. we v already became part of each other's life. we share the same experience;we have the same special feeling towards ny,america; when i face to u, i only feel familiar and relax, cuz we can talk to each other any topic without any hesitation, jealousy, or confusion....

           since i still couldn't forget that night in ny club.....although it's only a short time, i still can figure it out how high i was. in order to spend a memoriable adult birthday, i suggested going to dancing club at night. to my great surprise, i earned mad backup...these chicks all wanna go dancing and show their sexy body..haha. being 21 yr old, i m supposed do something different.  in a supervisor position, i was like a leader. i finally understand what the exact feeling kenny was always enjoying is. creat an idea, make a plan, collect information, organize members, predict the worst situation just in case, and stand all these criticize--should go or not, bring him or not... damn shit, i really feel like smacking on these bitches.as long as one said some discourage thinking, it would affect others' opinion.it's all depending on urself whether to do something or not ,so just make a quick decision, i v no time for all these bullshit. . omg, i m like half of "kenny" now......it's so pity i don't have any guys to bring with me. all the classmates or friends r mad ugly, or they r not that party type guys. other girls have some choices, but i don't no why they don't wanna bring these guys.finally we went there without any "bodyguards".fukkk........drink a lito bit, we arrived the club named "rock&roll".it looks really nice from outside and it's one of the most famous dancing club in beijing........when we entered, it seemed something was wrong. mad people were inside the dancing pool. looking close, they were all like 40 yrs old farmers or instruction workers........they don't even no how to dance, just rooted there moving their hands and heads......mad stupid....plus, i didn't get drunk so that i could see clearly their ugly faces.......so nasty.......since we didn't have any protection, we held each other's hand tightly in case we get lost.  when we danced in a round, outside our round there was already a bigger round of guys circled us.....i was so nervous since i should take care their safty even though they don't worry about by themselves. there was always a sick guy who went around us, put his dirty hands around my waist....i was gonna kick his ass with my 10 centimeter high heel shoes. all of these comparations made me miss ny even more. that night at lease we had 2 guys standing by whom i felt so safe and with whom we could dance with. especially kenny could lead us dance, and protect us. not like tonight, no guys with us, no handsome guys came close and dance with us.......i wish i could live with my eyes closed so that the only thing i can see is ny, all these guys i miss day and night and the happiest days in my life, so that nothing could wipe them from my eyes. right now, i hear cengyi's younger sister is calling her. cengyi said: "i miss u 2" with smile on her face. tears can't be held anymore and flush out my eyes. i wish i could be like her, calling them at any time i start missing them and telling them "i miss u" .........

Busy transferring my scores for 3 straight days, I m so exhausted right now….3 hot days I almost run through every corner of our campus looking for every related office. The result of all these effort is that I still need to make up for 6 courses in total. Although all the scores I got in America have been transferred, I still have to take these damn courses cuz they r freaking required!!! i m really pissed off. Dealing with all these bitches and assholes almost drove me crazy. I felt like my bargain skill has been improving after these days.

Except for this and the chaos in china, I m really in a good condition. Special among students, I feel like others are jealous of me. One yr unique experience I gained more than insight. What’s life, what’s friendship, how to deal with people, how to be brilliant using the knowledge I gained. I m like opening an eye in the deep heart. My life is enriched with all these friends and all these memories all of a sudden. People treat me in a way which I never expected before. I m not a self-centered person and don’t feel comfortable with all the people around me. Well, I admit I did enjoy the feeling right now. Celebrity and superstar, I m mad famous now. The first day I went to class, I introduced myself to the professor who never saw me before. Right after that, she invited me to say something about the life in America in front of class. It’s the first time in my life that I was nervous as well as excited and eager to do this speech. It’s the real idea coming out from my mind, without any modifier. I never no I m such talkative that I kept on talking for like an hour. People r mad curious about my interesting life in NY, and they have infinite questions. They treat me with respect. I got mad self-esteem and self-confident. My roommate kid me saying that I can be an English tutor: chat in English with them, correct their pronunciation and translate for them….even the staff working for our department publication asked me to write them an essay about the exchange life…….i can’t go back to be the normal person before. I’ve already opened my eyes. I can’t close them and pretend I didn’t open them and nothing happened. For my goal, however difficult it is, however long it takes, however stressful it is, I will never give up. Nothing gonna beat me down.